Sorry for the morbid title. A dear friend and I were bemoaning our advanced age and talking about our life goals. He declared, "I guess we are lucky to be in the "pre-death" stage of our lives!" Never heard that phrase. Of course it is true. While we are alive we are not dead. :) But some of us are so obsessed with death, we don't live. We "plan" for the end of our lives, our retirement, "the good days to come", "when the kids are.........". We procrastinate gratification, even our dreams, and the care and feeding of our relationships because of the practical choices we have to make, at least that's what we tell ourselves.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Mark Twain
Regrettably I attend a lot more funerals these days. I must tell you some of them are for "old people" who lived long and glorious lives. But many of them are for people whose lives were cut "short". People in their 20's, 30's, 40's, and 50's. These are different types of services from the memorials for octogenarians+. We all know there is no guarantee for length of life. That life and death happen. Regardless of the age of the deceased, the survivors always say the same thing, "I thought we had more time...."
One of the awful consequences of the procrastination lifestyle is it never gets easier. Time goes faster and "later" is harder to catch up with. The path to hell is paved with good intentions. And when the going gets tough, many people never get going.
Here are the top 5 things that Bronnie Ware, a hospice nurse, heard from her dying patients. I have included a portion of her observations:
1. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship.
2. I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
3. I wish I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.
4. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
5. I wish I’d lived a life true to my dreams instead of what others had expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
By the way, these are things I hear from living people of all ages. Many things happen to people well before their deathbeds that give them pause. Some are liberated and change. They come to the realization that life is very short and that their priorities need to be reset before its too late. That connecting with their own souls, connecting with their loved ones, and connecting others with their dreams and wishes is much more important now. Some remain imprisoned to habits, their comfort and never change.
Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching. Randall Leighton
The point here is we have to make these connections pre-death. I envy those of you who believe in reincarnation and an infinite life where you can postpone and resolve your relationships in a different life form. I believe that you get one chance to be good and do good. And that chance matters to the choices and trajectories of others. Yes, it impacts you too, but your legacy will always be your example and your relationships.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Dr Seuss
That's why we talk about the lifestyle of networking, of connecting and strengthening your relationships. This is the time. Right now. If you wait for the "right" time, it may never come. Sorry to inform you that your plans and expectations are not taken seriously by Mother Nature.
Say what you mean and do what you were meant to do. I think we would all agree we are in pre-death. We may disagree on how much time we have. I contend it is far less than you think. As for me, when my time comes and pre-death is over, I plan to have no regrets and sleep soundly.
Thanks for reading. John